


I'll Love You The Same

by brandneweyesz



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Compliant i think??!!, M/M, Sad, Weight loss and not feeling good, hinting about some issues, zarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 18:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19215463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandneweyesz/pseuds/brandneweyesz
Summary: As Harry watches Zayn standing there, he can't hold himself back.Zayn and Harry going through rough time in band.I don't really know how to make a good summary.





	I'll Love You The Same

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys !! It's my first time writing anything but i wrote it a long time ago and wasn't sure if I wanted to post. But i thought I will try it. I have edited it but if you find any mistakes I'm sorry for that. And I know it is not that good but please give it a try. Hope you like it.
> 
> And story timeline is mid to late 2014 of the band. Its way too late to post story about it I think. But yeah. And it is dedicated to every writer out there.  
> Thank You.

 

Now that they are here in the confines of their hotel room after the intense show they just did, he stares at _him_ as _he_ rummages around picking out clothes from his bag to change back in after taking _the much needed_ shower. He realizes how uncommonly silent _he_ is being but he doesn’t want to disturb _his_ thinking because Harry knows Zayn and by the way he is behaving he knows _he_ is definitely thinking. And there is _a_ _lot_ on his mind.

 

 

But Harry can’t just ask what he is thinking about because Zayn won’t tell him that easily; Harry knows it pretty much. It’s been going on like this for quite some time now. He has asked him in many ways before but Zayn wouldn’t say anything. Harry has been watching him closely. It is not that big of a difference but Harry can see how he’s changing, how he is talking less, the crew doesn’t even see him at the dining room for their meals most of the times now. He has noticed how Zayn is looking thin and worse like something is eating at him; but he is been on edge most of the time for past few weeks and just revolts at anyone for just showing the concern, like he is been caving on himself.

 

 

And honestly it terrifies the hell out of Harry. Despite this Harry can’t help but ask him anyway and get neglected but it doesn’t stop him from doing it because now the most important thing to him is Zayn’s happiness. It is all that matters.

 

 

But making plans and thinking to get the answers out of Zayn and actually being able to do it is two _very_ different things and Zayn’s stubbornness isn’t helping. But Harry won’t give up trying.

 

 

Harry gets out of his own thoughts when he hears the bathroom door being opened, he wonders how long he had been sitting like this and watch Zayn walk in the room and stand in front of mirror re-arranging his damp hair and now Harry can’t control himself; he doesn’t _want_ to. He is _so beautiful_ he thinks looking at him. There is this tension they know that was building from the start of the show. They used to act all touchy and flirting on stage but they don’t act like that on stage that much now. Today was different it was just like old times, it had happened after so long. Harry is buzzing from the show and he smiles to himself as he thinks how goofy and flirty they were acting on stage just an hour ago; he can’t help but blush at the thought of them on stage being so open in front of thousands of fans and how his heart was beating in crazy rhythm whenever Zayn looked at him. Zayn always give him butterflies. And he _likes_ it just too much.

 

 

_Does your heart beat this loud Z? Do I still give you butterflies too?_

And Harry  just wants to make Zayn happy and nothing else, wants their old selves back because he can’t take this new version of who they have become anymore, he can’t hold himself back anymore it’s been way too long, he wants to touch Zayn, feel him, love him, hold him close and bring _his_ Zayn back; away from wherever he’s gone to in his head... _he’s been away too much._

 

_Want you to touch me too, love me too._

So he gets up from bed and walks up to Zayn and puts his cheek against Zayn’s shoulder blade comfortingly as he wraps his hands around his torso from behind. Zayn knows what Harry is trying to do and is difficult for him to neglect him all the time because it hurts him seeing the hurt and pain in Harry’s _sincere_ _gorgeous_ eyes when he pushes him away. Seeing the pain on Harry’s face makes his heart wrench with undesired emotions. But he doesn’t want to say anything. Just want to hold him too.

 

 

They stand there together as Harry doesn’t want to let Zayn go out of his embrace. It’s what he likes the most as he feels the safest hugging Zayn. _His Zayn_ he thinks smiling softly to himself. Harry can’t help but think of the simpler times when they had just begun touring with the band and living together, when none of them had a clue how this band thing worked but just knew that they were sailing on the ships of their dreams becoming into reality. And it’s even crazier for Harry to think how he had grown so close to Zayn over these past three and half years. _I fell for you._

 

 

How he came to realize that he liked _the “ Bradford bad boi_ ” as Zayn liked to be called back in the day;  just a tiny bit more than the other lads. How he used to annoy Zayn even though he was so intimidated by him in the earlier days, at the start of _all_ this. He just grew to like all the little things that made Zayn _Zayn._

There is just something so attractive and mesmerizing about Zayn, all the contradictions, how his features are all sharp but soft at the same time, how he looks all tough and all but is the softest and loving person with the biggest heart Harry has seen, other than his mum’s. How intelligent he is, how cleverly he talks about stuff, how down to earth he is, how caring and giving he is. And just thinking about all this makes his heart swell with love and pride and joy for Zayn. And Harry will do anything _anything_ to forever feel this way, doesn’t matter how selfish it may sound.

 

 

Their  “relationship”  if one can call it that; because they kind of never defined it; consisted of a lot of ups and downs _._ But they made it out of it together, learning about each other and about themselves too in the process. Harry thought they were growing stronger, and can make it till the end but what he couldn’t understand that how they got here. _Here._

 

 

They are not  and never were good at communicating with each other on some issues and the things that actually mattered, it was difficult for them and it just became habit for them to simply avoid the _talking_ part. It wasn’t easy for them, talking about their feelings, they didn’t even tell each other that they love each other for so long. It was obvious but took them _forever_ to confess. They have always been like that. That’s how they started just _messing around_ with each other. Avoiding feelings at all cost, avoiding expressing their feelings about each other.

 

 

But now Harry realized it was starting to hold them back, it was stopping them from moving forward _together._ He wanted Zayn to just open up to him, tell him what was bothering him so he can help him to keep their relationship going on. He wanted to hear it from Zayn even if he got the hint of what it was about now. Seeing it all Harry had started trying and opening up to Zayn but he wasn’t getting anything from Zayn in return. But he was trying, trying _so_ _hard_ for them. It wasn’t easy but then again _love_ never is. So he will try harder.

 

_You can tell me anything, Z. I won’t judge. Please._

_I’ll love you the same._

 

Zayn then feels Harry hugging him more tightly and he knows what he is thinking about and he can  feel all the emotions Harry is conveying through his hug, he feels so loved at the moment that it hurts, he almost want to _melt_ into him, make himself part of _Harry_. He feels Harry turning him around and when he does he just looks deep in his eyes silently begging and pleading; Zayn knows that look, he has come to know now; to tell him what’s wrong, he wants to but he _can’t_ so he just shakes his head and kisses Harry’s forehead and walks toward bed to at least _try_ to get some sleep.

 

 

He feels the side of the bed dip beside him and then feels Harry’s hand turning him on his side to face him. He lays beside him on his side too and just strokes Zayn’s face lightly with his fingertips over his cheekbones and _so so_ lovingly and feather light and caring that he almost has to stop himself from spilling all the ugly things bothering him, hold back the tear wanting to spill. He just _can’t_ do this to him no matter how much he wants to scream and tell Harry but he just _can’t_ because he sees what all this is doing to Harry already.

 

 

He notices how Harry is also suffering with him, he sees his puffy eyes and dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep that Lou tries so hard to hide with makeup, how he cries silently when he thinks Zayn is sleeping, how he is looking pale than usual and not to miss thinner than a month ago. And all this kills Zayn so much more inside. Watching Harry go through something like this. He doesn’t deserve this. _My Harry._

 

 

_Look what a mess I have become, Haz._

 

 

And this is the first time Harry breaks the silence from when they came off stage after the show, when he finally asks Zayn the question that had been on the tip of his tongue burning, from hours before the show.

 

 

“ Zayn…” Harry asks keeping his hand on his cheek, rubbing the pad of his thumb soothingly over his cheek. “ What happened? Are you okay? ” concern laced in his voice.

 

 

“I’m fine haz…just tired” Zayn can’t bear to not answer him again so he answers trying to be nonchalant.

 

 

Harry of course knows it’s not a complete lie but he also knows that there is more to it which Zayn is not telling him. And he knows Zayn won’t give in so easily, he is tired asking him repeatedly and not getting answers, from the show and all the worry, and thinking he keeps doing so he does the only thing he thinks for sure will keep Zayn’s mind off it and his too for that matter; at least for now; as he kisses him softly seeking the warmth of his soft lips. Trying to pour all the love, devotion and feelings he has for Zayn. _Only Zayn._

And he hopes it works as he feels Zayn kiss him back, it feels so new in a way that they haven’t been like this in so long when he thinks about it. And keeps kissing him just to show how he feels about all the things  Zayn is going through, as if to tell him _I know I’m tired too but It’s ok I’ve got you._

Since the day Harry sensed that something was off about Zayn, all he is doing is to try and make Zayn happy. Be his light as he had been his, to make him so happy that Zayn will feel it seeping in his bones and in his heart. To just let Zayn forget about the pain and calm him enough to let him get past it day by day.

_I’ll be enough. I won’t let you get away._

He is so enamored by the way Zayn’s making him feel, his own thoughts and the kisses they are sharing it makes him dizzy that he didn’t even notice when Zayn pushed him onto bed on his back and started to hover over him kissing him passionately.

 

 

And Harry can’t help but smile and feel proud of himself for making Zayn respond to him. He feels so happy because they haven’t touched in _so_ long but harry never asked him because he didn’t want to pressure Zayn. He feels so intoxicated and so loved that he never wants to let go of this feeling. _I missed you so much, I missed you touching me._

“I missed you” Harry blurts out when they part to take breath panting heavily, he feels so hot and can feel his cheeks burning. Zayn then kisses him again and roll his hips on Harry’s slowly creating friction between them whispering “ I missed you too” onto his lips, as Harry’s breath hitches on the feeling of Zayn’s hard on pressing on his.

 

 

They kiss hungrily then, gripping and pulling on clothes. Zayn licks Harry’s bottom lip teasing, gently pushing his tongue on his lips licking further inside his mouth, their tongues touching and caressing. And Harry can’t help the breathy little helpless moan that leaves his mouth then, as he curls his hands around back of Zayn’s neck desperately.

 

 

 Zayn then takes Harry’s shirt off kissing every inch of his torso as skin reveals, kissing and licking his way up to his mouth to kiss him so hard that leaves them both breathless and Harry gets dizzy at the intense feeling. They part again panting in each other’s mouth and Zayn then fumbles with Harry’s jeans trying to pop the button hastily to take it off him.

 

 

Seeing Zayn struggling with his tight jeans Harry helps him get it off kissing and licking Zayn’s lower lip languidly. Zayn kisses him back gently this time and stops to look at Harry beneath him looking so beautiful and he can’t halp but admire his body watching down on him lovingly, making Harry blush bright red.

 

 

Harry moves his hand up to Zayn’s face stroking lightly over the stubble, watching the love of his life he makes sure to remind himself to keep Zayn happy enough to keep him there with him, no matter how childish it may seem and he _prays_ that they can make it through together.

 

 

  _All I want is you. All I want is you to be happy._

Zayn then leans down and kisses Harry’s flushed rosy cheeks and starts to take his own clothes off. As he tosses their pants somewhere behind his back he is rolling his hips again making Harry moan louder this time bucking his hips to Zayns. It’s getting heated between them, actions frantic with want and desire and Harry pulls Zayn even closer to his body than before chests pressing together.

 

 

They can’t even kiss now because of how heavy their breathing has become and they just pant and breathe into each other’s mouth, lips barely touching. But Zayn manages to keep stroking them together in his hand making Harry squirm beneath him. Dizzy with all the feelings.

 

 

“ _Please Zayn please…_ I can’t wait anymore It’s been too long _”_ it’s all Harry can say panting heavily. “Want to feel you, love me _…please”_ he says between moaning and chanting Zayn’s name like a cassette looped onto the single word _Zayn._ All Harry can feel, touch, sense and think is Zayn.

 

 

  _Zayn. Zayn. Zayn._

And seeing Harry so out of control, struggling to find words and out of breath for him makes Zayn so hard that he is almost on verge of cumming. The way Harry is squirming and moaning his name, _loving_ him _,_ he doesn’t waste a moment then and grabs Harry’s legs and spreads it wide pushing up to bend it at the knees feet touching the sheets. Zayn shifts into space between Harry’s legs, looking deep in his eyes smiling so big that makes Harry smile wide as well. It makes Zayn feel something deep in his heart as Harry’s grin widens and dimples show in his cheeks that Zayn swears that this has to be the prettiest sight ever and he feels so lucky in this moment. He wants to bottle it all up to feel it whenever he wants again.

 

 

And then they are kissing again slowly but passionately at first like time is not even moving and it has stopped for them to be completely lost in each other, but then Zayn licks Harry’s lower lip again and  they feel each other growing impatient and kiss frantically licking into each other’s mouth with their tongue touching. Harry gasps loudly at the way Zayn swirls and suck Harry’s tongue rutting on his thigh.

 

 

Zayn takes the lube out of the kit bag Harry always keeps on the side table, spreads it on his fingers and open Harry carefully using upto three fingers one by one in and out inside him teasing and pleasing Harry, moving and twisting them making him shudder and whimper under him.

 

 

“Are you okay? Want me to stop, haz?” Zayn asks when Harry stills completely for a moment after moaning loudly and wiggling. He stops moving his fingers and waits for Harry to say something or nod to show he is okay. And when Harry opens his eyes an odd tear falls but Zayn is fast to swipe it away from corner of his eyes with his clean and free hand, pressing kiss at the corner of his eyes afterwards.

 

 

“Yeah” says Harry breathlessly, completely overwhelmed with the feelings as he leans towards Zayn and presses their lips together in a sweet kiss. “It’s just we haven’t done it in a while. Keep going don’t stop, I’m fine.”

 

 

They have done it before but not recently and Harry almost feel it all over again like the first time, as Zayn takes his fingers out after moving it for few times and lubes himself up after rolling on the condom, pressing his length on Harry’s entrance. Zayn then pushes in carefully feeling the tightness, it hurts and Harry feels like his bottom half is being sliced in two, scorching hot as he feels Zayn going inside him inch by inch and his hold tightens on his back, nails digging into the precious tan skin.

 

 

Zayn then kisses him when he is fully inside and slowly starts to thrust his hips into Harry’s. Rolling his hip makes them dizzy and shake with intense pleasure. Harry arches his back as Zayn presses their body together with his head into crook of Harry’s neck where his shoulder meets his neck, hitting on the bundle of nerves with his thrust. As Harry’s hair tickles Zayn’s ear and his stubble scratches deliciously over Harry’s jaw and cheek they can’t help but moan loudly with arousal.

 

 

It all reminds Harry of their memories shared late in the night in hotel rooms all over the world and even through the pleasure he is feeling he can’t help the smile that breaks on his face remembering that immense joy, the promises they made for the future, for them.

 

 

Harry feels all the love pouring between them as Zayn thrusts into him kissing and sucking at his neck. Making his body rock with him in unison like a song being made with the rhythms of their bodies right there, it feels magical at the moment, as every thrust makes Harry clutch his hands behind Zayn’s neck and back tightly grabbing a fistful of silky hair, the feeling of Zayn making him close his eyes shut with all the pleasure. And as Zayn starts thrusting harder the headboard rocks against wall due to their moves and loud gasps and moans leave their mouths in otherwise silent room.

 

 

Harry wants to see Zayn above him sweat dripping down his face, beautiful messy hair, love in his eyes. He desperately opens his eyes with so much effort looking into Zayn’s eyes to find him looking down at him lovingly, intently to all the expressions that Harry’s face is displaying. Like he is trying to burn it into his brain and to keep it etched onto his heart forever, and Harry takes his hand and keeps it onto Zayn’s chest over his heart feeling the beats under his palm in synch with his own heartbeats. And it’s too much, Harry finds it hard to keep his eyes on Zayn’s because it’s just too much, too many memories, too much emotions that he is reminded of, and all the things they have been going through. All the pain Zayn’s been going through.

 

 

It’s all too overwhelming. He leans up and kisses Zayn’s neck, over his adam’s apple making Zayn gasp. Harry moans as Zayn rolls his hip in circle again going deeper inside him, finger digging in Harry’s thighs. Zayn keeps doing it for few times and It’s too much that Harry can’t keep looking and he closes eyes at a particular hard thrust deep in him as Zayn rocks into him so hard and so fast suddenly, it knocks the breath out of Harry.

 

 

“ _Ah_ … _Zayn…_ ” Harry nearly screams but it comes out just in a whisper, arching his back and throwing his head back holding on to Zayn tightly feeling on the edge.

 

 

“ _Babe_ you okay?” Zayn asks through grunts as he keeps rocking a bit slower than before looking over at Harry’s face for any hurt, letting him catch his breath.

 

 

Harry just nods and grinds his hips down onto Zayn making him growl deep in his throat. Harry knows that Zayn is being careful, he is always careful not to hurt him even when they are being playful and Harry wants Zany to be rough. Zayn _always_ takes care of him.

 

 

But there is something in the way Zayn is acting like he would hurt Harry and never be able to fix him. Fix _them_. But Harry can’t point a finger on it or maybe he just decides it is just in his head and lets himself to be in the moment of love they are sharing. _It’s okay_ _I don’t want to think about it too._

 

Zayn looks down at Harry beneath him waiting, he watches lovingly down at him the way Harry’s wild curls are spread around his head on a soft pillow, flushed crimson cheeks and he just watches and watches, drinking it all in and admire it all as small smile creeps on his face, when Harry opens his eyes again seeing a grin on Zayn’s face he can’t help but smile despite the shifts in his face from the pleaure. He feels happy seeing Zayn smile as he smiles so less now. He closes his eyes with content, he is enjoying it and hopes that Zayn is enjoying it too.

 

 

Zayn licks behind his ear making Harry moan in need and nibble and licks the lobe of his ear as Harry huffs out a heavy breath. Harry looks over at Zayn and watches his sweaty face so concentrated and loving and hearing the grunts he is making as he starts thrusting into him again, he can’t keep his hands steady and touches all over Zayn’s back scratching his; nails digging hard leaving bruises when Zayn moves and thrusts hard into him.

 

 

“ _Faster Zayn…”_ Harry moans as he feels himself get closer to his release from the tension building in his body. Zayn keeps rocking harder and faster listening to Harry moaning his name in a broken voice as he keeps leaving bruises sucking and biting into his skin.

 

 

Zayn starts snapping his hips in an even faster pace that each thrust makes Harry moan loudly as it keeps pushing him closer to his release, making goosebumps appear on his skin as he shudders in Zayn’s hold. Zayn keeps going faster as he feels himself nearing closer to his finish pushing deep inside Harry growling in his neck, sweaty body pressed together.

 

 

“ _Babe_ … _Haz…shit shit…._ ” Zayn keeps grunting, now tugging on Harry’s hard on matching with his thrusts. As Zayn looks down at Harry he can’t help but kiss his luscious lips moaning at the taste  of   _sweet love_ , biting and pulling his lower lip in his mouth muffling their moans.

 

 

“ _Zayn I’m close….love you…”_ Harry moans feeling on the edge panting, they lock eyes just then and Zayn starts to thrust faster and deeper with intention to make Harry release; to make him feel the pleasure, making him moan louder; his name spilling from his wet and sweet lips.

 

 

 _“Uhh…ah…ah….ZAYN….I love you.”_ Harry says tipping over the edge in a breathy whisper shout finally releasing between their bodies with two more hard thrusts from Zayn, eyes closed in pleasure and clenching against him, drowning in the euphoria of his high and keeping Zayn close to him by hugging him tight and feels Zayn groaning with his own high.

 

 

“ I love you _Haz.._.always” Zayn moans when he finally releases after few more thrusts and rocking in and out of Harry. Helping him come down from his high, kissing him and muffling his own moan calling Harry’s name out as he comes hard in Harry almost seeing white behind his closed eyes, releasing the last bits.

 

 

They lay like that for sometime, Zayn on top of Harry while Harry stroking his back up and down with his fingertips gently as he feels Zayn press kisses to his jaw and temple and Harry kisses his shoulder with just as much love. And Harry doesn’t want to let go off Zayn, this moment, this feeling and their _love_. He wants to be like this forever with Zayn. _Always with Zayn._ Hugging him, being held by him close to him, just the two of them together.

 

 

  _Forever._

 

 

But Harry can’t deny and ignore the feel and the shift in their whole behavior he’s been feeling for some time now. Their interactions are becoming less as he has noticed. It feels like months have gone by that they haven’t properly talked, not at least how much Harry would like them to. He thinks it’s just the pressure of keeping up with whole management thing and touring and recording that Zayn is feeling. But he can see how much sad and miserable he looks now. Just moping around like he doesn’t care if he gets his input to give in to discussions in the meetings, and in decisions or not.

 

Ghosting due the feeling of rejection for his songs and ideas. Almost detaching himself from everything, from Harry. And seeing him like this just unsettle something deep inside Harry. It shakes him up making him lose control for Zayn, makes him want to scream to people, to do something to get rid of the feeling. But he can’t just keep going like this. Feeling not being enough, not doing his best for Zayn. Anything. For _Zayn._ For _them_.

 

 

It hurts him deep to feel so helpless and not being able to do anything. He never thought he could ever feel emotion this deep, feel the love he only thought existed in books and stories and films, or happened to just a few of the people out there. He thought he would never get to taste it.

 

 

But he felt it and Zayn made it possible. He thinks if Zayn realizes or not that seeing him like this is eating him out too, tearing him down. But he won’t say anything, he cries but never let Zayn see him because for sure he knows it’ll hurt Zayn a million times more. So he has to keep going; if he can keep Zayn with him. _At least for a while_. _For_ _now_.

 

 

Harry kisses the top of Zayn’s chest over his heart as they cuddle, close in each other arms after Zayn had cleaned both of them and Harry curled up on his side with his cheek on Zayn’s chest. He forces himself to think positive and that they are okay, Zayn is fine. _Please be fine._

 

 

And he remembers seeing something flash in Zayn’s eyes before when they were making love but Harry being Harry; he just ignores the thought and ignores the nagging feeling that started with it in his mind that not everything is like before, that something has changed between them. Something has definitely changed with Zayn. _It feels different and I don’t like it_.

 

 

This tour has been hard on all of them, and everybody can see it. They have never been this busy before and the responsibilities are too much some times. And it is not ideal but it is one of the things to blame for making Zayn feel like this. Make _them_ like this.

 

 

And the thought that he might not be _enough_ to _keep_ Zayn _happy_. _Here._ Thought that he might not be _enough for them to make it together._ It scares him but he ignores it all. And prays that they’ll talk, he knows they need to talk about what’s going on. Because he knows it’s just a matter of time, he might have Zayn just for a little while until it all goes down. So he forces himself to not cry laying there in Zayn’s arms because he knows Zayn and he knows himself very well, he knows it’s not something Zayn would discuss until it’s too late. But he keeps on praying.

 

 

So he forces to shut his mind off to just be in the moment _one more_ time for he doesn’t know when it’ll be the last time. When this all will end just like mirror shattering the perfect reflection. For he doesn’t know what tomorrow will hold. For him and for _them._

So he just holds onto _him_ like it is the _last_ time _._

_Hoping._

_Just let me in. Please._

_You know I’ll love you the same._

 

End Notes

 

Please comment or like if you liked it. Thank you.


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